Oh the joy of Hot Stove season!
Photo Credit to the San Francisco Chronicle
What I think the Nats should find in their Christmas stocking on Christmas morning:
Jayson Werth: wrist guard made of that stuff they use to make the indestructible black boxes for airplanes.
Gio: Another two cases of Focus Water (hey, it helped last year!), and a gallon-sized spray bottle of Nature’s Miracle (for when Stitch pees on his suitcase again. And again.).
Scherzer: colored contacts so he can reverse his eye color and further confuse the batters.
Strasburg: another case of razors, because he was so much sharper once he lost the chin fuzz.
Bryce Harper: Blueprints for a trophy room–because a trophy case obviously won’t be enough for a decade or two of hardware.
Mike Rizzo: A left-handed batter. A GOOD left-handed batter that won’t cause the Twittersphere to think he’s lost his mind.
Aaron Barrett: A “So many pedestrians, so little time” sign for that red scooter he was rocking at Winterfest.
Jonathan Papelbon: Lump of coal. And the phone number for the FBI witness protection program.
Clint Robinson: Another indestructible bat. Because he did such good things with the first one.
Drew Storen: redemption.
Tanner Roark: A St. Anthony’s (patron saint of lost objects) mass card so he doesn’t lose his consistency or his release point this year.
Dusty Baker: Good luck and a case of toothpicks. Because Mike Rizzo is going to get him everything else he needs to have a successful year.
Ryan Zimmerman: Custom orthotics. Because those feet are a lot more valuable on the basepaths than in the dugout.
Dan Uggla: a CD of Bob Hope’s “Thanks for the Memory.”
Lopes and Henley: A page. Because they need to be on the same one.
Danny Espinosa: An appointment with Gio’s grooming consultant. Because I really don’t want to see that dead-mink-on-face look, Jumbotron size, for another year, every time he comes up to bat.
Yunel Escobar: Since he won’t have the benefit of the new Nats’ situational-injury-prevention-focused medical staff (sorry, Yuni), a personalized blinged-out ice pack for all those HBP situations.
Tyler Moore: One last opportunity to make it as a major league player. Location TBD.
Trea Turner: GPS. Because he may have to find his way to and from Syracuse more than once (and he drives his own car).
Wilson Ramos: An invisible sticky substance to keep balls thrown from the outfield in his glove for at least 5 seconds.
Joe Ross: A personal heater for the dugout: he’s so cool out there on the mound that he’ll need to warm up–especially in April . . . and October
To Trevor Gott, Oliver Perez, Shawn Kelley, and Yusmeiro Petit: I don’t know you well enough yet and wish you all good luck and a welcome to the Washington Nationals.
For Michael A. Taylor: (h/t to zmunchkin): an appointment with a hypnotist, so he can hit as well with the bases empty as with men on base.
For Jose Lobaton: Special contacts, so all the pitchers look like Gio.
Harper, the Nats’ right fielder,
Had a good year at the plate,
His throws in from the outfield
Were hardly even ever late.
Some of the other players
Used to vote and call him lame,
They even deigned to call him
“Most overrated in the game.”
Then one Spring in Washington
Harper came to play,
And all the folks who’d doubted him
Were really blown away.
Now all the baseball writers
Voted him the MVP.
Harper, the Nats right fielder,
You’ll go down in history.
Happy Holidays to everyone from ArVaFan aka Laura Peebles!