Nationals Recommended New Years’ Resolutions
Mike Rizzo: Sign Tony Two-Bags to an extension.
Anthony Rendon: Sign an extension with Mike Rizzo.
Ryan Zimmerman: play so well that the Nationals want to pick up your 2020 option or sign you now to an extension.
Max Scherzer: never, ever give up another home run on a two-strike count. [Author’s note: if you think that Max would have a resolution short of perfection, you’re thinking of some other Max.]
Stephen Strasburg: stay off the DL, starting by using that 12-pack of acupuncture sessions that Santa left.
Patrick Corbin: Play so well that the fans of the teams north of DC will keep wailing and gnashing their teeth through the season . . . and well into October.
Aníbal Sánchez: keep drinking whatever it was you were drinking in 2018. Keep your charitable efforts going in Washington, DC and looking forward to seeing Anabella at Nats Park.
Joe Ross: By August, make everyone who is thinking “Joe in the bullpen” slap their foreheads and say “what was I thinking?”
Trea Turner: more stolen bases, fewer strikeouts, and more smiles in 2019.
Michael A. Taylor: reduce the number of strikeouts to a level that the fans don’t wince when they see you come to the plate after being a late-inning defensive replacement.
Andrew Stevenson: become the best Nationals’ pinch-hitter ever.
Juan Soto: What sophomore slump? That’s not a Juan Soto thing.
Victor Robles: Live up to the hype.
Adam Eaton: Play in at least 150 games – in 2019.
Howie Kendrick: To not be the Ryan Zimmerman of 2019. If not ready to play, extended Spring Training is not a bad plan. Bonus: Florida April weather seriously beats DC April weather.
Dooooooo: Keep spreading bullpen cart cheer and philanthropy throughout the land.
Trevor Rosenthal: Save the 100 MPH pitches for emergencies. No showing off in Spring Training.
Dave Martinez: Learn the bullpen guys well, and talk with the coaches. Not all the hot air in DC is under the dome.
Yan Gomes: Never give Patrick Corbin a reason to regret signing with the Nats.
Kurt Suzuki: Use “Love is Better the Second Time Around” as walk-up music. Once.
Spencer Kieboom: Make Spring Training a real contest for backup catcher.
Carter Kieboom: play hard in the minors and everything else will work out for you.
Matt Adams: Make the fans who were lobbying Rizzo at Winterfest for your return proud they did.
Bob Henley: no matter how much he pleads or stares into your eyes, do not allow Max Scherzer to steal home. (You can, however, send him if the ball is “stuck” under the padding along the outfield wall).
Wilmer Difo: more hitting.
Sammy Solis: repay the Nationals’ faith by having positive WAR this year. Oh, and a WHIP around 1.0 would be a good target.
Koda: Stay healthy. The rest is just details.